Sunday, June 19, 2005

My Kneecaps Hurt.... and other tales of the Weekend.

Have you ever spent all day on a Saturday in various states of kneeling and squatting while attempting to assemble two 10-foot, three-dimensional, corrugated paper cacti in the heat of the So Cal sun (no, there weren't any trees around)? Well, let me be the first to tell you that you haven't lived until you've done so. Yes, that's what I spent 9 hours doing on my Saturday. I did so many squats that the friction of jeans against sweaty flesh rubbed the top layer of skin off my knees. A few more minutes of that and I think my kneecaps would have caught fire.

Here's a picture of how the cacti were meant to look when completed (thank God there were no boots or sheriff's stars involved or else I would have gone stark raving mad):

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Needless to say that mine did not turn out quite so riculously cheesy nice. I am the farthest thing from Little Miss Arts and Crafts that you could possibly imagine.

I got suckered into this gig by volunteering to help a lady that I hardly know set up a Fiesta-themed party at her gigantic-ass house. I was secretly hoping for an invitation, as she is famous for throwing excellent parties that rage long into the night. I figured I'd be stringing chili-pepper lights and hanging pinatas. Absolutely no corrugated paper cacti were mentioned in the job description. I wonder if there's a party decorator labor union to which I could report this incident?

At least I learned something from the experience: 1) I'm getting too old to bend and unbend 10,000 times in a day, and 2) if anyone ever mentions corrugated paper decorations, run like hell away from the crazy bitch/bastard. Oh, and 3) I HATE double-sided tape. Plus this chick had the nerve to comment about how she couldn't believe it took me ALL DAY to finish the damn things. Spoiled bitch - hasn't worked a day in her life, yet possesses the nerve to make a comment like that. I seriously wanted to burn the whole place down at that point. Or at the very least chuck the precious cacti into the negative-edge pool. But I held back. Although I did stomp on one cactus a couple of times, so it will forever bear an imprint of my Nike running shoe. Revenge is sweet.

I won't go into the horrendous blow-by-blow account of assembling the cacti, as I would like to forget the experience as soon as my body stops aching. Let's just say that it was a massive undertaking, starting with 4 blank white cardboard cactus shapes and ending with what you see pictured - or something close to it anyway. It's the cheesiest decoration I believe I've ever seen - and guess what it costs? 180 DOLLARS - for a few pieces of cut cardboard, a very large roll of double-sided tape, and multiple green corrugated paper rolls. I mean those supplies must have a cost all of, what, $15 tops? What a rip. Some people just have too much money and not enough taste.

And of course that bitch didn't even invite me to the party. Well a big "Fuck You" to her and her cactus decorations. I'm planning to sneak back over there some evening when she's passed out from one too many gin and tonics and build a big cactus-engulfing bonfire. Following day's news headline to read:

Fence-Hopping Lunatic Carries Out Secret Vendetta Against Billionaire Heiress
Suspect flees the country as heiress mourns the loss of her favorite paper cacti: "I am completely devestated. They were the absolute hit of my party! I had become so fond of those two cacti that I even named them after my dear, departed collie dogs. It is my deepest desire to see this criminal punished to the full extent of the law!!"

When asked how she had failed to noticed the 20-foot cactus funeral pyre accompanied by shrieks of "Burn, baby, burn!", the sunglassed heiress refused to comment. Her nearest neighbors did notice the ruckus but just assumed she was having a party celebrating women's rights.

The suspect, believed to be traveling under the pseudonym Carol Danvers, faces a sentence of 6 months to 5 years in the state's correctional facility for those who commit crimes against corrugated paper decorations. That's 6 months to 5 years of daily construction of various and sundry corrugated paper decorations, in the hopes of one day being rehabilitated back into a corrugated paper-loving society.

"People like this Carol Danvers person are monsters with absolutely zero concern for the welfare of others. She deserves the death penalty."

Sunday I babysat for my friend's 2-year old daughter. Now you're probably saying to yourselves, "Damn, that sounds like an even crappier job than assembling gigantic corrugated paper cacti in the afternoon sun while kneeling on a stone surface!" But it's not. This kid is amazingly cool. I took her to the beach in Malibu, and she just sat there for like 2 hours staring at the waves and the surfers and the seagulls. It was only her second trip to the ocean and she was mesmorized. I must say that I share the feeling 100%. Having now lived in a place where the ocean is never more than 30 minutes away, I am afraid that I'm spoiled for life. The ocean touches my soul in a way that no man-made lake in middle-America ever could. It's truly a "connected to the Earth" feeling that only few places can inspire. I fear that I will never again be able to fully exist in a location too far away from an ocean.

Oh, we had an earthquake last week. It was my first relatively big one since moving out here. It was actually sorta fun, and nothing fell down. It was definitely an odd feeling - something that I've never felt before. Rolling side-to-side, up-and-down, and back-and-forth all at the same time. Hard to describe if you've never felt it. I was disappointed that not even one book fell off the shelf though. But perhaps I shouldn't tempt fate, eh?

Hasta manana...


At 5:10 PM, Anonymous naiah said...

Hi, Carol!
Oh, and I am a she.

At 7:25 PM, Blogger Carol Danvers said...

Hi! I see that :) I never like to assume though, therefore the he/she in the Nickerblog comments. I've been keeping an eye on those comments today - I'm sure there will be some more interesting viewpoints expressed. As much as I don't like to get into political debates, sometimes I just can't help myself!

At 10:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First earthquake, eh? Where'd you move out there from?

Me, I'm subject to tornado season out here in the midwest. Never been in an earthquake and I've never even seen a tornado despite living here for 18 years. I will tempt fate as I've been dying to see and photograph one. Although I did experience Hurricane Gloria while living in Connecticut some years back.

As for burning the bitch's house down, you can use me as an alibi. Go for it! Someone's gotta teach them a lesson in humility.


At 2:42 PM, Blogger Stu said...

Ok, I'm just having trouble dealing with the fact that you spent all day helping out a woman who didn't, then, invite you to the party. I mean, I guess what I'm wondering is, why didn't you just go to the party? Isn't it like a *rule* or something that if you help with the decorations you not only get to go to the party, but you also get access to the good liquer and such. Have you spoken to this woman since?


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